Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
