I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
