i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
