She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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