in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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