You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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