I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
