I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
