Four minutes until I can fart!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
