Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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