Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
