My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
