Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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