He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
