I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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