did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm like, not good at living.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
