There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
