I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
