I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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