my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
