brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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