Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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