now i know why i became what i already was.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
