I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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