I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
