Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Mom said you looked used
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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