i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You dont lie about slip and slides
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
