a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
