i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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