Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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