she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
