last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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