I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
