How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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