I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
