I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
