I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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