it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
