Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
