dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
