I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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