Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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