I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
