i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sober January is a disaster.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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