guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
