Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
