I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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