The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
