So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
