This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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